THE DEAD TIMES
DEAD ARE COMING...
Episode 4 - The Cabin in the Woods
The action is heating up for our feisty duo as they continue on their bodacious journey to Canada. In the last episode, the hapless pair were run out of a trading site after the merchants labelled Leroy; a "huge dingus", they rescued a stray dog named Ann and they had to sprint through a sewer in a deadly game of hide and seek with a ravenous horde of irritated Zombies. Luckily, the group found a new car after exiting the sewers, it's fairly rundown but it works - just. Leroy, Calvin and their chirpy K9 companion are back on the road again, awaiting the next adventure.
Still, that adventure takes a while to come - in fact, it's not until late afternoon that the team find something worthy of their immense talent. They've found a "car" sitting along a country road. It seems 'in good nick' and with the gas quickly running out on their current busted-mobile, it's worth the detour. There are a few Zombies about, though "a few Zombies" is child's-play for Calvin, Leroy and Ann, still elated from making it out of the swarming city without even a scratch. They pull up, get out and look mean - Zombies are going to die, and this time, they aren’t going to get back up.
Hmmm… As Calvin tries the doors of the teasing new vehicle he finds them locked, the keys are nowhere to be seen. Leroy is doing his best to hold back the dead that approach, their hands outstretched, as if they believe that the boys will simply run into their open arms. His rusty machete splits skulls and shreds limbs just fine despite its tinged state. Suddenly, Ann starts barking, her black nose pointed into the forest behind the targeted vehicle. It's a log cabin! And in the woods! Nothing bad ever happens around those, right? The trio enter triumphantly - at least, that's what I would write if the door could be found. Surely it has a door - every building has a door, right? And so begins the painstaking process of walking into walls until the building is entered. As it turns out, the door was obscured by a tree - it’s almost as if the person who built this wooden fortress out here in the middle of the woods, secluded from the main road, didn't want two pesky kids and their dog going in and stealing all his stuff.
OMG.
The small, one-room shack is brimmed with stuff; food, bullets, guns, a chainsaw, gas, medical supplies, the living dead… Seriously, it's like hobo central in that place; you know, one of those only-in-America joints where out-of-work goons meet every Tuesday and talk about their firearms - all stored on the floor because, when you can only afford furniture or guns, you can't shoot bedside cabinets at people. It even has the keys to the party bus outside lying on the floor - okay, it's not a bus but the keys are coloured in early learning centre blues, yellows and reds.
Time to bag that swag
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
Unfortunately, there is too much to carry in one journey and the undead continue being irritable so many of the items have to be left behind. Leroy, takes one of the two cowboy rifle's (he already found one earlier in the excellent adventure and sporting more than two would just be overkill, not that there's anything wrong with over-the-top violence) and a pistol. Calvin nabs a second pistol, deciding to keep the golf club and frying pan he had equipped for if the group ever run out of bullets - possible but unlikely. Ann picks up another pistol in her teeth but, after seeing the chainsaw and weighing up the options, going all Evil Dead is the only sensible choice. However, there is also a skeleton on the floor and that femur, oh boy, that femur. The chainsaw is dropped and instantly forgotten, the femur is where it's at, aw yeah - ain't no one going to separate a dog and their bone.
Yeah, days like these don't happen very often
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
The band exit the door-hidden cabin and leg it to the new hottness "car". The keys fit perfectly - thank you hobos - and the stalwart heroes can now drive off in their brand new ICE-CREAM VAN.
Ice-cream van: the vehicle of choice for the post-apocalypse
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
Soon after this, Calvin offers a stunning anecdote: "Hockey sticks are good weapons, no wonder Canada is doing fine.". This is an odd thing for the level-headed Calvin to say but, the logic works and it pleases Leroy knowing that his friend is on the path to coolness. The travelling continues… little did the group know that true terror, a psychological abomination so terrible that it eclipses even that brought on by the walking dead, waits coyly in the darkened roadside bushes, watching the stolen ice-cream truck bounce along with wide eyes and sinister intent.
A bee has flown in the van! It won't leave and it buzzes about like mad, distracting everyone and nearly causing the van to spin off the road, surely to tip over with the unbalanced, giant, novelty ice-cream cone on the roof. The struggle is real. Leroy shouts at the zipping creature, determined to put an end to this dangerous foolery - "COOL IT" he cries. The bee, whether taking offense at this insolence or merely fulfilling a coincidence, flies into Leroy's open mouth as he speaks the words of the cool. Calvin is sure this is the end, the three doomed to have "Killed by a bee while driving to Canada in a stolen ice-cream van" engraved on their gravestones. However, this is not the final entry of this episodic diary of worth. The bee stings Leroy inside the mouth, he screams in pain, opening his mouth and releasing the bee who, like an escaping convict makes a beeline (what a pun!) for the open driver's side window and out, out into the freedom beyond, his tirade of terror over. Leroy is left in a pain so catastrophic that only a stream of unpronounceable curse words and repeated ceiling punches can describe it. His morale takes a nosedive. Still, the band are on the road and the journey to Canada continues. Everyone says a silent prayer that there are no more bees between here and there - wherever here is.
DIARY:
Leroy and Calvin's Excellent Adventure
DIARY WRITTEN BY:
ENTRY DESCRIPTION:
The fourth episode of this wild ride across Zombie-infested America gives our brave adventurers some, much needed, good luck. While stumbling across a vehicle just off the main road, they happen upon an unexpected bounty. However, that reward is not without consequence…
DATE ENTRY UPLOADED:
13/11/2016