THE DEAD TIMES
DEAD ARE COMING...
The Tom Cruise Appreciation Society
Today, I would like to acknowledge a mistake, one that has, unfortunately, grown, slithered, ballooned out of proportion like that disgusting well-Zombie in Season 2 of The Walking Dead; so fat and putrid after marinading in dirty well-water for months - just, ergh. I, at The Dead Times have been banging on about Zombies for almost eight years now but, I mean, come on, no one cares right; they're dead, they're history? Just like the ghouls themselves, the Zombie genre is rotting away to nothing; it's over, it's finished, it is dead and I have been a fool, a complete brainless, shuffling, groaning monstrosity to try and prolong such an uneventful re-death. Even George A. Romero - 'Godfather of the Dead' and legendary director of the of the Dead series of movies - warned people away from his putrid creations with a decapitating quote from Chief McClellan, the fictional character responsible for the clean-up of the dead-heads: "Yeah, they're dead. They're all messed up.".
However, as from this moment, this infinitesimal second in the lifetime of a mortal human, I am going to put that to right with grave new direction. Henceforth, The Dead Times (just the sight of that name brings tear-filled hilarity to my heart - what, on Earth, was I thinking?) shall be replaced by The Tom Cruise Appreciation Society. Why this name you ask, why dedicate the website you so fatefully created to this actor of note? Well, besides the obvious (just look at his dreamy face), it all comes down to a decision by Paramount Pictures - a relatively small, film production and distribution company - made in February 2019, a period I like to call, and I'm sure you will do too after reading this uplifting article, the golden period of enlightenment.
Look at that ugly Zombie. How was I ever interested in these pathetic individuals?
The rise and unrise of these stupid Zombie fings
In 2013, a Zombie film was released, titled World War Z. This film was very highly-anticipated by Zombie fanatics all around the world, it being the official movie adaption of one of the best Zombie books ever written; World War Z by Max Brooks. However, when the film released, fans disappointingly discovered that the entire script bared no resemblance to the book what-so-ever - the film did earn some well-received reviews and went on to become the highest-grossing zombie film of all time earning over half a billion - yes, you read that right - half a billion US dollars at the worldwide box office. Still, the diehard fans were disappointed and, they are never wrong. A sequel movie was announced and, again, excitement soon grew to fever-pitch. I too, in my foolish youth, was over-the-moon; Zombies were going mass-market.
Fast forward to February 2019 and after many false starts, Paramount Pictures made the bold, brilliant, totally sense-making, rational and ethical decision that I am 100% behind and totally not bitter with at all. They decided, again, in most excellent fashion, to cancel World War Z 2; because, I mean, who wouldn't? A sequel to the movie that made over half a billion dollars, being estimated to shoot on a lower budget than the first movie, what's that going to make? Like, 2p or something ridiculous. Also, the first movie was, at the time, six years old - I can't even remember the last person I ate - err, I mean what I ate for breakfast. Finally, it's got Zombies in it. Zombies are dead. No one cares. Go back to the cemetery you plaster-faced creeps!
The blessed return of... a man
Paramount's wonderful, euphoric decision - I really can't stress how truly, overwhelmingly, incalculably epic it was - was partly (largely in my opinion) so they could focus on their other extremely important and, needless to say, far superior, Mission Impossible movie franchise. As only a monkey with a brain the size of an ant's head would not know, the main star of the Mission Impossible movies (there has been about 5 or 6 of them, the exact number escapes me at this point) is the one, the only, the true god among men, the angelic apostle, Tom Cruise. Paramount, however, knew how much we craved Cruise - one extra movie was not going to be enough; more Cruise, more, more. We would get not one, but two new Mission Impossible movies; they would film back-to-back, the wait would be minimal, the over-the-top, face-copying, spy-antics maximal. However, that dismal real-world virus that ruins everything soon put paid to these plans and it appeared the Cruise booze-cruise was over, doomed to be lost to the roving hands of the slavering undead it came to replace. No mere global pandemic could stop a man sent by God though, no insignificant micro-parasite was going to stand in the way of the fountain of goodness - the films would be made, they would just have to be put on-hold for the time being, not for long mind, the world needs Tom Cruise movies and Cruise never disappoints. The plan of shooting the two films back-to-back... yeah, not happening I'm afraid. Still, good news time; Mission Impossible 7 and Mission Impossible 8 (catchy titles those) will be releasing in 2021 and 2022 respectively; the Cruise-missile is back baby and he was born to do improbable things, stopping all the bad guys in impossible ways and completing all those not-even-remotely-possible missions with breathtaking style.
OK, I will admit that maybe I was slightly annoyed with Paramount's decision to cancel World War Z 2, only a tiny part of me though, the lizard-part, the predatory part, the bit of the brain that would tell me, if I were a Zombie who had sensed prey, to go after that prey, without remorse - heck, I'd almost forgotten the whole elongated story, it being two years and one month ago now. I don't hold a grudge or anything like that and I'm not bitter in any way. It's better this way. Who really likes Zombies anyway?
DESCRIPTION:
In this totally breathtaking article, I learn a valuable lesson and completely rethink my life; Zombies are dead. The future lies with one man, one god - his name: Tom Cruise. Welcome to the new focus for The Dead Times.
CATEGORY:
Announcements
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DATE UPLOADED:
01/04/2021