THE DEAD TIMES
DEAD ARE COMING...
Episode 7 - Doggy Doodoo
Leroy, Calvin, Davy and Ann are currently going through a major downer. Yes, some good things happened recently; the group found enough food to eat - which is, you know, quite important for not dying. Everyone got some shooting practice on some cans as well (everyone except Ann, that is - the group decided it was best not to give a dog a gun). The bad events came in their droves though; first, the team had to make a detour around a flooded part of the single road to Canada, then the ice-cream battle bus ran out of gas entirely, forcing the team to continue on foot, then they got attacked by apologetic bandits who beat them up and took half of their supplies, and lastly, Calvin fell off a tree while scouting the way ahead after the group, somehow, lost the main road. Hopefully, the guys will catch a break in this episode - the journey to Canada marches on!
Still miserable from being beat up, the group trudge forward - even Ann is downhearted. They come across a small, rural auto-traders. The sign above it reads "EM PEE GEES", which, in all honesty, is quite a funny name but no one really feels like laughing anymore. All the cars are gone (figures), save one flashy red thing that looks like some sort of Prius or something. It's probably not got keys in but it is worth a look anyways. Actually, it's unlocked, the keys are in the ignition, the battery is working and it has nearly a full tank o' juice - all ready to go, "Sweet". Leroy takes this as a sign from the cool gods and is sure the group's luck is on the up although, keeps this to himself so as not to jinx it - the gods of cool are a fickle bunch. Everybody hops in excitedly, the pain from the previous night's beatings being all but forgotten. Next stop, Canada!
However, further up the road, Calvin spies another survivor walking along - there's definitely only one this time and she has no visible weapons so the group decide to approach in their pimpin' new ride, cautiously however, old wounds die hard. The woman is pretty scary - she reminds Calvin of Barbra from Night of the Living Dead - and only offers the group a warning, the battered group not having the food to support another person on the quest to the holy land. She warns, in ominous fashion, that there is an oiled-up bodybuilder, "too swole to control", bench-pressing Zombies before ripping them in half. Davy thinks this could be one of the bandits who mugged them last night, the one who looked like WWE star John Cena - hell, maybe it is the actual John Cena, after all he did come 'outta nowhere'. Anyway, the group drive off, thanking the scary lady for her advice.
When people appear in black and white, there is no chance of good news
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
Trader time! The group see a particularly cool looking trader's outpost by the side of a reasonably-sized dirt track just off the main road. The 'coolness' quality is earned by the camp because of the river running through it, bridged by parallel sets of extremely straight logs. The logs have no handrails to stop the careless from falling in so it is a good thing all the health and safety officers fell down, got back up and started eating people. The group all jump out of their red Prius-a-like together, guns in hand and ammunition clips stuffed into belts, looking all baller - ain't nobody going to mess with them today, no sir.
Wanna mess wid us, fool?
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
The first guy offering trade - a black youth with a flat-top hair style and a grey SUV parked out front - is willing to give the dudes and their dog food for gas. The group has got 64 units of gas and barely even food to fill a tin can so they give him 25 units for 2 cans of food - that guy just got a bargain but the troops need food pronto. The next dude is hustling anime figures - I mean, seriously? He wants to sell anime figures in a Zombie apocalypse? Jeez. Anyway, the third seller is a bit more practical, she's trading away rifles - apparently, she has got too many and wants rid of them. The group can't see any lying around and a whiff of scam enters the air but any person who says they have lots of guns is instantly trustworthy, hesitance be damned. Doesn't matter, anyways, the team have so little food that they could not even afford one rifle. The kind woman takes pity on the 'soon to starve' youths and gives them ten free rifle bullets! Leroy was right to trust the cool gods - they've always got the back of the righteous.
Walking back to their car, gleefully and full of hope, a strange sight dawns; a Zombie has somehow managed to break in and is chasing the anime selling nerd. Round and round the burger van they go - Leroy could shoot it but why waste the bullet to protect an anime salesman, and besides, it's hilarious. After some serious chortling and even goading the mindless ghoul (the Zombie, not anime guy) by running up to him, then dashing away, the group figure that it's time to leave - the Zombie continuing to lurch after the trader and his trading-comrades showing no sign of helping.
There's a Zombie on your lawn...
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
However, maybe the heroes of this journey should have shot that Zombie. Late in the afternoon, while the group is scavenging a nearby hut for snacks, Davy spots a huge pack of Zombies coming in from the East. The guys have never seen a herd/horde/group/pack/whatever this big before and the sea of dead faces is coming their way - escape is not an option as they realise that the hut is quickly becoming surrounded. There's no hope but to seal up the windows, barricade the door and try to hold them off until the inevitable escape route opens. Joking aside, this is the most dangerous situation the group has been in (apart from the bee thing, that was pretty bad). Leroy remembers the grenade he found back in the early days of this journey, kept for just such a grisly encounter. Calvin rocks his remarkably robust frying pan - god only knows how it is not broken yet. Davy equips the hard-hitting wrench, ready to cave in some skulls. Ann does not equip anything because she is a dog.
That's it - they're through, the barricade on the door is down. Leroy waits for a sizeable group to enter and then chucks out the grenade, shouting "FRAG OUT" at the top of his lungs - just like they do in the movies - and waits for his internal 'coolness' meter to spike. The grenade, or 'nade as the cool kids call them, explodes with a muffled din and hardly any visible explosion - maybe a Zombie fell on it, it's too hard to see and there is no time to think as the thousand-strong horde keep spilling into the shack. Suddenly, a BARF Is heard. Who the hell just barfed; the dead or one of the living? Everyone has lost sight of each other in the throng, black-blood and knocked out teeth flying all over the place. As the undead mass in the corner near the entrance, Leroy, Calvin and Davy regroup, taking a much needed five second break. Calvin's frying pan has finally broken, now lost under decomposing feet. Ann is missing, nobody can see the chirpy little dog nor hear her rip the flesh of demons with her terrible claws. As one, the group figures out what has happened and why the hungry dead seem fixated by the corner in which they now amass - a sudden, unified and terrible realisation of truth: Ann is no more. A quick look at the team roster confirms it; the first member of the team has fallen. How it happened is a frustrating mystery; was she standing too close to the grenade (grenades aren't toys, people) or did the undead smother the diminutive dog? However she went, her loss will be mourned by the team but there are more pressing matters for right now: how to not die, chief among them.
The battle was short but bloody
© Screenshot from Death Road to Canada
The amassed group of dead have apparently finished eating poor Ann now and are once again staggering towards the boys, arms outstretched as if trying to will their prey into their mouths. The escape route is open yet the horde still blocks the building's only exit, trapping our fated heroes inside. Switching to their ranged guns, Leroy and the others pick off a few but the seething horde still hounds the doorway. Suddenly, Leroy uses his knowledge of Zombie games and remembers that Zombies are dumb. He goads the mindless grotbags on, the others joining in with the hurling of insults. Once the mass of grotesque bodies is a bit closer to the group, the three boys pull up and move round the shack's central column, moving slowly to keep the bewildered dead close behind. This daring 'switch-a-roo' manoeuvre worked and the way out is now clear! Calvin, Davy and Leroy all rush for the opening as one, not wanting to hang around this dump anymore. Leroy was always called "as thick as two planks" at school by his uncool peers. Well, now he has shown them, shown them all, he took that insult as a compliment, saying 'thank you, man, thank you', taking those planks and beating the Zombies to death with them!
DIARY:
Leroy and Calvin's Excellent Adventure
DIARY WRITTEN BY:
ENTRY DESCRIPTION:
With the troop down on their luck, this episode continues the rollercoaster of salvation. First, things go well, then extremely well, then terrible before ending up back where they started: in a bad way. Will there be no rest for Leroy and Calvin on their excellent adventure to Canada?
DATE ENTRY UPLOADED:
12/02/2017